1.21.18 Dispense of Suspense (Poem, 1991)

Retro Poetry Intro: I wrote the following poem at the age of 15 for Poetry Book #6 – March 1991 – “Departure.” At the time I was suffering with testicular cancer and was also coming to grips with my hidden, secret sexuality. I also hadn’t been to regular school in a while and was missing my friends, suffering and poor at the time, too. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to no electricity or heat in 30 degree winters. I slept in a walk in closet. All I had was my poetry book and a candle, surrounded by heaps of clothes, agonizing about my grandmother’s death 8 years prior. Here is poem #1178 written on March 21, 1991. Enjoy the madness! -BB

 

 

I am a dispenser

dispensing little sicknesses

I have no antibodies

no outerbodies

no soul at all

I wish I did

I really wish, all the time

but my soul self was burnt

at the age of 9

when she died

and I’ve cried

ever since I was mine.

been on my own

holding in my sickness

acting so false

but now

I dispense

I dispense suspense

and since all of me is coming out now

at once

you see it all

and are so amazed, but I am not just a crazed maniac…

 

3-21-91 12:48 am bb.