03.05.21 Yes, I’m still here. Are you? Part 3. (Journal)

Continuing on from my last post…

New Home.

So, after Alex passed away, I felt compelled to make a change or two in my life. I had sat around for months and months, working from home and still making A’s in grad school online. Life had become predictable, depressing, boring and lonely. My family, as you know, live in California and Texas, and most of my local friends in ABQ are either maried or extremely ‘hunkered down’ with their loved one/s, and that meant that I was often left out of anyone’s plans. So I continued my obsession with video gaming that I had begun during the pandemic – it kept me busy and kept my brain occupied, and meant that I wasn’t as lonely as I could have otherwise been. My little Sister in Dallas had recently gotten her first home and moved her and our Mom in with her and her son there – they seemed to be doing well and there was a part of me that was extremely jealous. Here I was, 10 years older than her, and I still had never owned my own home. I never felt I was worthy of owning my own home, that my credit was too damaged to repair, and so I just kind of gave up on that dream until one day in the future. Since that day never came, I thought suddenly – why not find out? I made a phone call or two and reached a woman with a local mortgage company who worked with the first time home buyer MFA (Mortgage Finance Authority) program for New Mexico. She calmed me down and ran the numbers, and suddenly.. she said I was pre-approved for a home loan of up to $200,000! I was so excited and scared. I was about $500 away from my income limit being over the MFA first time home buyer program limit, so that meant I couldn’t spend any money and just needed to save for 2-3 months. So, that’s what I decided to do. Fast forward a month later… and I was at the end of my rope with saving (through the holidays, even) and scrimping every penny. I had seen a handful of homes and I found a home I wanted, and I found a home in the NW part of town that I unfortunately did not get. I put in an offer and was outbid by $2000. I felt defeated, but kept looking. Finally, a few days later, I saw a huge 2 story, 2,000 square foot house on the west side of town, which I instantly fell in love with. I put in an offer with my realtor. That same day, my offer was accepted! I was so excited. Within another 6 weeks, I had finally completed all the paperwork and was ready to move into my new home, in mid January 2021! During this time, I had to let many luxuries go, including paying for this website and my WordPress account, and so many other things, such as dining out or spending money on anything other than food and bills. Now, I’m writing this from my new home… it’s been an expereince that has been both exhilirating and frustrating, but I am SO glad I took the plunge! Owning my first new home is an amazing feeling, and I highly encourage anyone thinking about it to look into it – you may be surprised with what you find out and how they can accomodate you! It’s a huge change, for sure, not being able to splurge on whatever luxury tech item I want, but owning my own home and building up this equity is such an amazing feeling.

The Hole that Dad Left.

Yesterday, March 4th, marked what would have been my Dad’s 77th birthday. He passed away, as you know, in July 2019, in me and my sisters’ arms, in HEB Hospital in Bedford, Texas, the same hospital where I was born in 1975. The hole that Dad’s death left was huge and definitely painful for me and my family, especially during the pandemic. During the countless, endless months since Dad passed and Covid began last March, I have had so much time to think about the everlasting impact he had upon me and what I’m going to do with all that. I graduated in October 2019 shortly after he passed and he was unable to be there as he promised, but I felt him with me the whole time. Over the past few months, I have felt a serene kind of peace about Dad, and I have felt the energy around me change from a frenzied uncertainty and sadness to a bright, amazing feeling or sense of love and accomplishment. I know that Dad is with me and I will continue to tell his stories and carry him in my heart and mind always. I also vow to help others in his name with my future profession of Counseling, and I wish to help others work through the death of a parent one day, as well. Being open enough to share my emotions about him with others has helped, and the grieving process for me began almost immediately, and that was also extremely helpful. My advice to everyone is.. if you have an issue with a parent that is still living that is unresolved, try to resolve it, before it’s too late. Dad and I were able to about 15 years ago and it has meant that he and I became closer and almost best friends by the time he left us. I’m so glad we had those extra years together!

Looking Forward to the Future.

So one of the things that has been so hard during the pandemic (going on a full year now, as of next week), is that being single and living alone equals a paralyzing, depressing cycle of being extremely lonely and feeling disconnected from the world. I don’t have a loved one I live with to even talk to, make love to, argue with, or anything… Thankfully, my pets have kept me sane. But the one thing I’ve been dying to do is dip back into the dating scene. As I work with kids in my job (when I’m not working from home), it’s imperative that I be fully safe and 1000% healthy during this time. One thing I’m looking forward to is getting back into shape (as I’ve returned to the gym now, as of a couple of months ago) and also dip back into the dating scene. Also, looking forward, my family are going to most likely visit me here in NM for my Mother’s birthday, which is in early April, and I’m going to finally visit them again in Dallas for my birthday in May. I’m excited, too, that I also took a role on with the theatre group I joined over a year ago when I did that Christmas play with them. I’m now head of ‘Marketing & Promotion’ on the side, an unpaying gig, but one that fills me up with joy. The theatre company has a focus on LGBTQI plays and issues and I am doing my part to give back to the community by participating. What does this mean? It means I make flyers and programs and logos for anything involving play production, marketing efforts and more. I’m looking forward to the future with hope and joy, and I can’t wait to go out on dates again soon and also keeping up the working out.

Posting some new poetry soon. I hope everyone is doing well, staying healthy, and keeping as positive and happy as we can be.

Hugs,

BB

(Picture is of the “Three Sisters” volcanoes on the west side of town, where I now live…)

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