For your persusal is this turbulent poem from way back in August 1999, when I was a drug addict, living on the streets of Dallas. (It originally appeared on my blog, Ballistik, on LiveJournal, where I used to blog for 10 years, from 1995-2005.) This poem was written five years after my dear friend Kevin drowned in a hot tub in 1994. I was going through drug withdrawals at the time and was contemplating suicide when I wrote this. (I’ve been clean for 21 years so this is no longer who I am, but I just thought I’d share. Telling my truth is my way of healing, and also helping others, and I think it’s important to speak our truth to turn negatives into positives in life. We all have our rock bottom, and this was one of mine.) -BB
The following poem was written in Poetry Book 45, “Suicidal Swan Song,” from Aug-Sep 1999.
“THE MORE MELANCHOLY ASPECTS OF AN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP” By Brian Bolding
*
Cool Midnight Breeze Consumes The Old
Oak Trees And As Far As I Can See I’m
Shaking At The Knees Why Aren’t You
Here With Me. A Nice Little Moment With
Some Cool Artists In A Café If I had It
Any Other Way You’d Be Here With Me
Today. Crying Alone On The Kitchen Floor With These
Uncollected Huddled Masses Why Can’t
You Be Here To Kick Their Asses. Some
Times At Night When I’m Sleeping Alone I
Imagine You’re Wrapped Around Me I’m
Paralyzed By The Scent Of Your Cologne
And for 6 Hrs I Zone. I Don’t Wanna Be Alone.
I Don’t Wanna Be Alone. No No. Not Again.
Not Alone Again. Don’t Leave Me.
We’re Drowning In This Skin.
8-20-99 248 pm bb (for Kevin Williams. I miss you.>)
Drawing, in Paint 3D, “For Kevin” – 11/3/21
Ballistik Coffee Boy. 
Thanks for sharing this part of your life. Having only known you recently, it is hard for me to imagine you living this hard lifestyle. It must have been near-impossible to overcome.
You’ve told me about this part of your history before when we’ve chatted. Yet, seeing it now, reading it here, “hearing” the poem (in my mind) makes me feel shaken and disturbed. I’m glad that you were able to work through (or is it always a process?) these addictions to bring you to a place in your life where you love who you are now and the place that you inhabit.
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Hey A! Yes, of course… I like to be as open as possible about my past as I know I have always had the potential to help others through hearing what I went through and how I overcame it. At the end of the day, I chalk it up to lots of luck and having faith that things would one day improve, and they did, a thousand fold! I’m a different person now, and the crazy thing is.. I wouldn’t take back (most of) what I went through since now I am wanting to help others through my upcoming counseling degree. I’m a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and I honestly think all that happened so I could become a stronger person and help others! I have alot to share, alot of folks to help, and I owe it all to the universe for helping me get through it all and see on the other side of the madness. I promise next time to post a much happier poem 🙂 hahaha.. Poetry/journaling/freestyle writing has been my way of dealing with my crap for so many years, both the good and bad times. I’m so glad I had that outlet (blogging/writing/art) or else I probably would have cracked! This is why I’m a huge believer in art therapy, as it literally saved my life! Thx bud.. and thx for not being scared away after hearing my truth! Your Atari bud, -BB
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