12.10.21 The Zing Factor. (Previously Unpublished Journal from 6.7.19)

Hey, guys. In this post, I wanted to publish a journal entry from June 7th, 2019, about many things… including the breakup of a 2-year relationship I was involved with at the time, right before my dad passed away about a month later. This was before Covid, before my father left, before many things. I sat on this entry for the longest, feeling it was a little too bitter or negative, that I had been dealt some heavy blows in life. I was extremely depressed at the time, trying to crawl out of it all, and placing blame on ‘society’ instead of where it belonged… on myself. Grief, isolation and depression can really change your entire perspective, for the worse. Shortly after this, I started seeing a therapist, and she has changed my outlook on life! School has also helped enrich my mind and now I have much more healthy ways of coping than playing the poor me and blame games. I think it’s an interesting glimpse of where I was at the time, and I hate when things go unpublished that I put work into. So, at any rate, here goes… Back in June 2019, little did I know the world was about to change even more than it already had been changing, more people would die I loved (including 3 friends from Covid, including an ex.) The moral: embrace the moment, don’t hold your breath for tomorrow, because today is all we may have. Seize the day! Make amends with your family or friends you have beef with. Surround yourself with positivity. Let people know you love them. Never give up on opening your heart to new friends & new experiences. And happy holidays. xx -BB

*****

Good afternoon… and happy Gay Pride weekend.

I’m happy to report that my weeklong flu is now under control. It’s been a terrible few months, and it culminated in me getting the flu, I guess. On top of that and ending with my car finally being repaired after a month in the shop, I suddenly woke last week to something like a flu. I’m not sure if it was the flu, but I felt extreme stomach pains and had migraines, the sweats, etc, and had lost all enjoyment in eating or anything else, which is why I slept for 3 days straight. I’m happy to report that I’m finally rid of it, and my f*cked up year can commence! Yahooo!

Just being sarcastic, but also deranged from all the suckiness that has happened, including the car accident on April 6th and me and my boyfriend breaking up (via text) on April 1st, with no closure given or respect given for my feelings or wishes for us to discuss the previous two years. (Should have seen that coming… really.) I know how to pick the losers, that’s for sure.

*sigh*

This past Monday, when I got to work after being off for a few days and sleeping/recovering, I suddenly felt an extreme (and I mean extreme) sense of sadness, as if someone in my family had just died. It was the same feeling I got when my grandmother passed away last year a day before Thanksgiving, the same feeling when my Uncle John or Cousin Darin passed away a few years ago, one year apart. I’m not sure what exactly was the root cause, if anything. After pondering on it for a couple of days I’ve come to the conclusion that this must be related to me not being able to work out daily as I’ve been doing for years, to control my depression. I don’t take anti-depressant medication; my story with those goes way back and it’s not pretty. However, to save you a long and unabridged story, I’ll just say that the meds (Effexor) made me numb from the neck down for 10 years while I took the meds, and it definitely had a hand in destroying my (then five year) relationship with Cody back in 2010. So what better way to text my theory then to get back into the gym, just as I did yesterday, to continue my daily workout routine.

Wouldn’t you know it? Suddenly, after my lunchtime workout yesterday, I did begin to feel a bit better mentally, and was finally in a good enough physical state to endure the workout routine. However, I still feel a little “off’, and the only way I can describe it is that… I feel that life has lost a little bit of it’s spark, and that ‘zing’ no longer inspires me each day as it had been doing for the past few years.

Zing? Who needs Zing anyway? Well, I do. I need to know that tomorrow is a better day (it is) and that everything I’m doing right now including both school and work are helping to contribute to me having a bigger and brighter future (they are.) However, I just don’t FEEL it anymore. I’m uncertain if this has to do with the breakup or just the overall shitty year I’ve had. It could be both. Also, some new friends recently that seemed promising really showed their true colors in the past few weeks, and, when I needed them most, they suddenly were not there. It makes me feel stupid for even trying, but you can’t stop hoping that one day you’ll actually meet someone who turns out to be your best friend, or even a good reliable one that I see more than once every two weeks. I haven’t had one of those in a while, and I don’t plan on messing things up all of a sudden by having one who intermittently forgets about me for large swaths of time.  Gotta protect me, but also have to step out on that ledge once in a while and try try again. Urgh.

Hope.

I can’t stop hoping, and praying, that one day, I’ll run into someone who is fun to be around and who will listen to all my long-winded stories, and tell me some long-winded stories of their own, and someone who is spontaneous enough to get me out of my predictable little organized shell, but not someone who’s too much like a Gemini. (Sound picky? I am. People suck. lol And I know what I want, what I deserve and what I need.) I won’t pray to the universe or sound any sadder than I am right now, I’m just trying to remain hopeful that not everyone is as flaky as the other 99.9% of the population I’ve encountered here locally.

What’s going on with the world? I think that we are increasingly becoming more and more addicted to social media and withdrawing into our predictable patterns, and no one seems to have any respect for others anymore and are not willing to open up to a new person who could possibly have the potential to be your next best friend. There are a million reasons why people might be standoffish or rude these days, but I feel it mostly has to do with social media and the fact that people are becoming so much more divisive and defensive, and they weren’t raised properly, or they’ve become bitter and shellshocked for some reason. It saddens me, but I must remain happy with the cards I’ve been dealt and stop whining. This is why I’m laser focused on school, work and working out, because if I wasn’t, I’d be a total Basket case.

Goals. I need things to look forward to, and bucket lists that keep me going. Thankfully, I have those in spades, and my lists are pretty long. These are mostly travel related: I’ve still yet to venture to Europe, and it’s a childhood dream of mine. My joy of travel, photography, vintage video gaming, animals, YouTube… thankfully, it’s all saved me these past few years and I am so thankful for that, too.

And a huge thanks to the 30 years I’ve been journaling and writing and communicating, both online and off. Getting my thoughts and ideas out have been a Godsend, and both love and loss have culminated to make me who I am today… a 250-pound, bearish Gay man with tons of acquaintances, but not a single best friend. Why? Because most people suck. That’s all there is to it. I hate to generalize, but there it is. 44 years of dealing with people, being neglected and ignored, and shat on by generally everyone, all the while smiling and carrying on… has turned me back into a partially bitter old gay man (just like I was in my 30’s, how quaint.) I grew out of it, then grew back into it, and it’s all thanks to shitty-ass people. We’ve got them by the boatload here in Albuquerque.

*hides*

However, I refuse to give up hope that I will eventually run into that .01% that doesn’t suck, and they will actually turn out to be good, sustainable friends, who actually care about people other than themselves and have been taught manners and respect, and openness, and communication.

Here’s hoping!

BB

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